life
Thursday, September 15, 2011
survivor
Note: If anyone reads this, please do not let this deter you from having children. There is no greater miracle than creating life, and I question myself daily if I'm capable of taking care of that responsibility.
dylan is 29 days old today, no longer a newborn by medical definition. i am, however a newborn mother, and it is still strange to me that i refer to myself in third person. "mommy needs to do this...mommy needs to wash her hands...mommy needs a time out." but everything is strange through this zombie haze I've been in since Dylan has been home.
there's so much to say, and not enough waking hours to say it. i haven't written about the actual delivery, dylan becoming jaundice and going to stanford, my first few days home, and my fragile state of mind--then and now. everything seems more difficult now. my physical coordination, my cognitive capabilities, baseline comprehension stunted. i catch myself trying so desperately to multi-task, yet failing miserably. ex. how much can i possibly do, as my food is being microwaved in 2 min: wash dishes, get the mail, mail a package, check my vmail, get water from the garage. I stand in my hallway, frozen, unable to decide on how to make the best use of my time...and then the microwave starts beeping. alas, i didn't do anything during those precious 2 min.
Some days i walk around in a stupor, with the stupid my brest friend (stupid because it doesn't not come with a waterproof cover) around my waist walking around my house in my underwear. Why wear clothes? that would just be doubling the laundry, consider the fact that dylan's poop and pee trajectory knows no bounds. Ok, most days that's the case, and there are times when I manage to get my pants on and brave the outside world with dylan in his stroller, and me being the crazy chinese lady trying to make sure that the swaddle blanket is providing enough shade and paranoid that he's too hot/cold, etc. meanwhile i'm still traumatized that my feet are so much larger than before. I suppose that they are proportional to my gigantor body, but I refuse to believe that my shoe wardrobe is obsolete. I told brian that i would feel better about myself if i weren't so grossly obese. I am the human space character in Wall-E, all rotund with sausage toes. as much as i should write more about everything that has been going on, i'm going to go for a walk now. it's one of the few things i can do before i go to my post partum check up. OCD behavior - here I come!
Friday, August 19, 2011
Somebody is smacking
Thought I would have time to write, but I'm here sitting in my underwear with towels on my boobs, hoping that nursing will be less painful than it as been. If I could lounge around topless all day, I would, because anything touching my nipples kills! Brian is preemptively changing his diaper right now. I have yet to change a diaper. I am in pretty unspeakable pain, beyond my body's comprehension.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Labor
As of 11:35am, I am officially in labor, says dr.K. We checked in at CPMC at 7:20am, after a little procrastination at home. I got a watermelon stain on the white shirt I've been living in, since I've been home. Didn't know if that was a sign or not. And then when we were in the car and janet's "let's wait awhile" was on the radio...again, was this a sign? But then I started to have a flurry of contractions between 6:45-7:15am. I had a really long one waiting in triage and felt the need to have baby on monitor to ensure that he or she is tolerating the contractions well.
So they started the pitocin at 9:43am and my body has been responding to it pretty well. I haven't done much, except pee twice, finish my mango, check out my registry, review baby names, email, and get my teeth glossed. The contractions are definitely more frequent and stronger. There's certainly this dull ache in my back, and the persistent urge to poo. I have no desire to be a hero, so I need to make sure I give myself a good 30-45 min window for the epidural process. I'm now 6-7 cm dilated and dr. K is coming back in a hour. I hope brian finishes the book before labor gets really exciting. I told him that he can't hold baby until he finishes the book.... Hope baby gets his/her literary discipline from me.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
birthday eve?
I just ordered the "miracle blanket" from target, yet another swaddling apparatus to add to my collection, I gorged on gelato tonight after dinner at oysteria, my fingernails have been trimmed, my disaster of a haircut has been done, the nanny book has been read, the bags are in the car, and the alarm is set for 5:30am. so after today's appt, I'm 5-6 cm dilated. i wish the decision to induce or not would be more obvious to me. i am still struggling with the pros and cons of letting nature take its course, or continuing to manage this pregnancy with human and medical interference. in many ways, the only natural aspect of this pregnancy has been conception, and even that was "controlled" and not so spontaneous. i've had progesterone shots, taken meds to control my contractions, so why not the pitocin? i eliminate the stress and the anxiety of not knowing when i could potentially go into labor and getting to the hospital. but is our convenience worth messing with nature? nature screwed me last year, so why shouldn't i take matters into my own hands? in many ways, i can imagine being more relieved knowing that baby is now a shared responsibility with brian. there are moments when i lose confidence in myself and just want that affirmation that baby is ok and doing well, outside of my womb, since we still have little information on what's happening inside my body. this fear of the unknown can't be good for me or baby.
so we're at a crossroads. I'm in musubi's room hoping for a sign. we will need to call CPMC at 6am to see if they have room for us at 7am in the morning.
so this is it.
my last post before life as i know it changes forever. tomorrow seems like a lifetime away. i guess i've become a master of "living in the moment." I suppose that's all we can do, and hope and pray for the best.
i can't wait to meet you baby. your 28 week ultrasound is still at my bedside and we thank musubi every night for taking such good care of us. I hope my body doesn't fail me, I hope tomorrow is one of the greatest days of my life. I hope, I hope, I HOPE!
Monday, August 15, 2011
homebody
well it's been a little over 2 weeks since we've been home. i finished my last pill on sunday the 7th, 445 pills later. we celebrated by going to station 1 in woodside on sunday . i barely made it through dinner, as my back was killing me. i basically have little to no back support having been so sedentary for so long. that weekend was the beginning of new "active" lifestyle. my first non-doc excursion was on the 5th, when i met up with J&O to get the talons on my feet taken care of at Sense spa. the pedicure was great, although i had a difficult time getting comfortable, being in an upright position for so long. i'm surprised that my kardashian worthy ass doesn't provide enough cushion for my tailbone. i was 3-4 cm dilated in my appt last monday and i believe there's a good chance that exciting things will happen this week. doc K says that if I'm 5-6 cm dilated in my appt tomorrow that he'll just admit me into CPMC to get this party started. it's still all a little surreal for me, but i suppose i'm ready to move on to the next exciting chapter.
nesting
i've been frantically trying to get the nursery ready and the house organized prior to the baby's arrival. the shelf has been installed, t&n came over yesterday to help with the decals which look amazing, and the costco person is coming over tomorrow to go over window covering options. the contractor has been picked for the bathroom, and the paint colors and fixtures have been selected. i wish it could be done this week, but it looks like the work can't begin until this coming weekend. the car has been selected and the deposit has been made so we should have another large payment waiting in the wings for us soon... and after almost 4 years, the garage is almost a 2 car garage, which is very exciting, for me at least.
I've re-read the sections in the american pediatrics books on newborn care through 3 months, and have plowed through the literature given to me by helene at CPMC on labor and delivery. i am super knowledgeable about pregnancy, and am rather surprised at how little I've prepared myself for the actual labor and delivery. I've spent 99% of this pregnancy focusing on staying pregnant and my mind hasn't quite transitioned over yet. My ignorant, and almost cavalier attitude about it is definitely causing my mom a lot of distress. I figured that i take direction pretty well, and that I'll just do as they tell me to do at this hospital...no need for me to be aware of or anticipate all the possible complications that could possibly happen. even though we are full term, i still feel like i'm holding my breath until i can hold baby in my arms. b's parents have already created their grandparent's announcement...and have repeatedly told us to call as soon as anything happens. our plan it to not let anyone know of the birth, until after brian and i get to have our moment, however long that may be with our baby. after everything we've been through, it's all that we want--a private celebration with our little family, before the impending chaos. We have of course not communicated this to our parents, but i'm fully prepared to deal with the consequences of our decisions.
we set up the poll with our family on survey monkey and i'm curious to see who will win. i'm guessing me, but i'm not eligible to win.
man, my tailbone aches.
Monday, August 01, 2011
Nesting
It's day 4 at home and it's been a pretty easy transition. It's a little nerve wracking going up and down the stairs, even if it is only once a day. That increased level of activity, and the fact that my bathroom is more than 6 steps away has left me more cautious. I've only taken 1 shower so far and I walk around holding my belly when I can. Dad drove up on Friday and belin dropped my mom off on Friday. They were pretty helpful, cooking at least a week's worth of food, lining musubi's dresser, picking up paint swatches and helping me sort through clutter stored in the other upstair's bathroom. Brian's been super helpful, putting stuff away, assembling the crib, doing loads of laundry, etc. It was pretty emotional moving musubi's things and organizing his room.
It's very different being at home. I feel much more vulnerable in many ways, since I'm really home alone and still on strict bed rest. I can't push a button to have a nurse help me with whatever and I pay less attention to my contractions, since I'm not on monitor. I thought I would be more diligent about it, but it's not very easy to keep track of them and with baby getting bigger, getting harder to feel the difference between baby's movement and contractions. Instead, I spend an inordinate amount of time on diapers.com and shopping online. The amount of time I've spent searching for the perfect nursing cami is unthinkable.
I didn't do my monday weigh in, so I'll do it tomorrow morning. Tomorrow we're going in to see dr. K and have our NST testing and ultrasound done. I wonder what will happen. I asked brian to help shave my legs tonight so that I don't show up for my appt looking like Tarzan. Tomorrow we'll be 36 weeks!
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Up for parole
Today I have another exam with dr. K. To quote him directly, he said "unless I feel or see a head coming through your labia, I'm sending you home." We'll see what happens. I had a pretty active uterus yesterday, but at least I had my B.M. So that was one more notch on my digestive track. I started thinking about what are/were my top survival skills for surviving hospital bed rest. Not sure if it's a top 10, but here it goes:
Top survival skills for surviving hospital bed rest:
• Beg, Borrow, Steal an iPad 2 if you want to stay sane. I highly recommend watching Friday Night Lights on your iPad--76 episodes of pure, emotional entertainment. There's only so much time you can stare and wonder about the stains on the wall and you've had your fill of crap TV with their limited channels.
• Bring your own slippers, toiletries, blankets, pillows (at least 3 or 4, and a yoga bolster is great!), towels, large sweatshirt/snuggie (when is sf ever warm?), sunglasses and sunscreen (no one wants to leave the hospital with extra wrinkles). You will feel more human with your own things.
• If you are allowed to go outside, take advantage of the sunshine and fresh air (ergo the sunglasses and sunscreen) and GO!
• Ask your nurse about other antepartum patients and see if they are open to meeting outside, so that you have a support system at the hospital.
• Have a routine, or at least pretend to have one so that every day has a schedule and an objective. Once you're ready for visitors, make sure you schedule them and have them call you before they come by. Some days are good, some are not so good and you may prefer to nap or be alone. Also, you never know when an extra ultrasound/exam may be needed.
• If visitors ask you what they can bring, don't be shy and be specific (foods, magazines, etc). They will most likely not come empty-handed, so you're better off getting what you want, and you will be tired of the hospital food options sooner, rather than later. Once you're done with books/mags or if you have any extra food, it's always nice to share with your new antepartum friends, and they will be quick to reciprocate.
• Reduce all sources of stress whenever possible. This may mean establishing boundaries with family, asking nurses to help you with the most mundane tasks, requesting housekeeping/food service to come or call after a certain time. Splurging on in room massages, avoiding the news, etc. Whatever it takes.
• Use a pillowcase as a bib when you eat. If you're trying to stay as horizontal as possible, you will drip and dribble like a newborn. Note: the pillowcase and not a towel. You don't know where those hospital towels have been and they smell funny.
• Be your own healthcare advocate. I guarantee you your nurse will forget your meds, give you wrong meds, confuse you with another patient, speak out of turn, etc. You may be the perfect patient, but we are all human.
• No matter what, be polite and respectful to your healthcare providers, you never know when you may need their assistance with a suppository.
• Be very mindful of you body and nutritional intake. Your schedule will revolve around staying hydrated, emptying your bladder, avoiding constipation, sleeping, eating, and taking your meds. Remember, a shitty day is considered a success when you're pregnant, on bed rest and nifedipine, the trifecta for constipation.
And
• Have your best ultrasound picture visible to you at all times. A constant visual reminder of the goal at the end of this journey is helpful and comforting.
Oh, and I got released on parole today, AND another B.M. What a successful day. Musubi, we're coming home.
