life
Monday, July 26, 2010
on loan
dear musubi,
mommy has borrowed your tiger lovie since last week. it's been getting harder and harder to accept the fact that you're not coming home. like daddy says, you're not here, but you're everywhere. it's in my lap, and i've been sleeping with it, next to your blue cap, tucked away in our pillowcase. we're putting up your shadowbox frame tomorrow, so i'll give it back, but i just wanted to hold you close again.
miss you.
it's almost here
the days drag on, and there's been little relief. i oscillate between bouts of anger and sadness, with little punctuated happiness. i feel like i've said this before, but i guess it's worth mentioning again. i laughed last weekend and then felt such waves of sadness after obon that this momentary lapse of joy was quickly overshadowed. i have to constantly remind myself that you're with granny and that she's taking better care of you than i ever could.
last week was difficult. i went to a google event and there was a mix of people expressing their condolences for me and congratulations, thinking that i was back from maternity leave. for those who didn't know, i had to share musubi's story and they were so sad for us....
we still can't seem to find the grace to attend peoples' baby showers and i still haven't found the maturity to have a normal conversation with my parents. i called my dad on father's day, but really haven't been communicative with those people not immediately around me. i did talk to cousin pat who recommended that i read "the secret" which i started reading yesterday. i just finished "stumbling towards happiness" which gave me a greater perspective of how our brains mislead our supposed happiness, but less insight into true happiness. i still read "a grace disguised" which continues to reinforce aspects of my reality and grief that i find to make most rational and emotional sense to me.
i still navigate through this dense fog and i've given myself until tomorrow to change. i don't how big or small this will be, but things need to change, something, correction, somethings need to change. i'm tying it to my cycle, i'm tying it to your original bday, but just like i ended your playlist with 3 specific songs, i need to create meaning for your life, as you would have wanted me to.
U Center Me:
When I lose my way, when anger fills my soul.
When I get to high on myself, and when it gets too cold.
Oh I know, you’ll bring me back to life.
OH I know, you’ll make it seem alright.
Alright...Alright...
And I know, you center me
My Wish:
My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish
(My wish for you)
Someday:
Cause maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
We'll put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to just feel better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
Someday
your playlist
some artists didn't make it - like jay-z, since i didn't really listen to him on my ipod on the way to work like i did the other artists, but you should know that "empire state of mind" was huge back in your day.
we took you on a concert tour of some of our favorites: mariah carey, john mayer, jay-z, robin thicke, and we didn't quite make it to alicia keys, but i know you tried...we all did.
so here's the list for now:
Forrest Gump Suite - Alan Silvestri
That's How Strong My Love Is - Alicia Keys
Distance and Time - Alicia Keys
Fallin' for You - Colbie Caillat
Breakin' At the Cracks - Colbie Caillat
Like a Star - Corinne Bailey Rae
It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing - Shania Twain
Gravity - John Mayer
Dreaming with a Broken Heart - John Mayer
Ooh Oh - Keri Noble
Falling Slowly - Kris Allen
The Way You Look Tonight - Kris Allen
To Make You Feel My Love - Kris Allen
So Amazing - Luther Vandross
A House Is Not A Home - Luther Vandross
I'll Be Lovin' U Long Time - Mariah Carey
I Wish You well - Mariah Carey
I Stay In Love - Mariah Carey
Human Nature - Matt Giraud
Can You Believe - Robin Thicke
Angels - Robin Thicke
U Center Me - Robin Thicke
My Wish - Rascal Flatts
Someday - Rob Thomas
24 songs for each week that you were with us.
i miss you so much.
