life
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Victories
Yesterday there were a few things to celebrate. Another day older for musubi's brother or sister, my group B strep test came back negative, and they were able to take the IV out of my arm, which made things exponentially more comfortable. My gestational diabetes results came back and my number was 137, 3 points below the tolerance threshold. Since I'm so close, I've started cutting back on carbs and following a more "diabetic" ( or diabolical) approach to my diet. As I try to modfify my diet, i may be reducing my carbs but skyrocketing my cholesterol. Like everythng else in life, it's a tradeoff. I still oscillate back and forth between being ok and being very anxious, especially when brian checks the streams of paper from the machine that measures my uterine activity. This machine looks like something from the 50's, like an old IBM pc, still operating DOS.
Mom and dad came by yesterday and they also met with dr. Katz. I think it was more comforting for them to see me doing ok and the doctor. Of course they brought chicken soup, made with black chicken, or as my dad says Obama chicken and some Chinese pastries and tea egg. I thought it was interesting that when the nurse took my blood pressure, it was 10 pts higher than usual. That's all I have to say about that.
The nurse today says that if you get what you want, then everything will be all worth it. I just want musubi's brother or sister to be happy And healthy.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Incompetent and irritable
Out of all the adjectives in this complex language to choose from, I'd hope that these 2 words wouldn't be used to describe me. Or at least not define me. So at this point my cervix is incompetent and my uterus is irritable. This is why I'm a big, blotchy subcutaneous blob incubating in this hospital bed. It shouldn't surprise me, how quickly things can change, yet I am still amazed at how I am caught off guard when new variables get introduced in my life that I'm not prepared for. How is it that my cervix can be relatively stable for 25 weeks, quickly shorten in half? How can a uterus that has been on P-17 shots since week 16 still contract and be irritable?
Why do I bother asking why?
I suppose to compensate for my disgruntled female parts, i should be competent in matters that I can control and more "opposite of irritable." what should that be? Serene, joyful, calm, celebratory, enjoyable? Any of those attributes would be good.
Belin was here when I celebrated our 26.5 weeks milestone. We are now officially closer to 27 weeks than 26! This gives me much to celebrate today.
Crying
Dr. Katz says it's good to cry, that it's best to release the emotion instead of internalizing it and possibly causing unnecessary angst and contractions.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Therapy
The social worker talked to me about therapy today and the potential benefits of it. I totally agree that it's valuable and believe that the "work" still needs to come from within. But the thought of shopping for the "right" therapist is exhausting and I'm not convinced that speaking to someone on their time is as helpful as figuring things out, with thoughtful guidance and other resources on my own time. The trick is making the time...which is something I seem to have a lot of, at least for now.
First 24 hours
I'm hanging in there, having made it through the first full day at the hospital, trying my best not to get anxious over every little twinge, every vital check, every time I need to use the bathroom. The IV is painful and the antibiotics are leaving a metallic taste in my mouth and sting. I have a headache from the drug they are giving me to calm my uterus, and have a slight temp, which I am hoping is from me snugging too hard with my down pillow which is very warm. I have these plastic bags attached to my legs that inflate and deflate in different position to help with my circulation. Not the most comfortable or the quietest apparatus, but I am here to follow directions and do as I'm told.
Time has once again taken a new meaning. Every day is a victory and deserves celebration. Each day is divided into 4, 6 hour increments. Each 30 min interval is a milestone, as well as every 3 hours. As to how I'm filling my time, i feel like a bystander in this experience. I did not sleep well at all last, probably settling down around 2:30am, up again at 4 and then at 6. Then came the crush drink for the gestational diabetes test, followed by the blood draw, and breakfast. Dr. Katz came to see me in the morning, belin came by around 11 and 2 social workers came by in the afternoon. I suppose it was a pretty social day. I'm so glad brian stayed with me last night and he's on his way now. I miss and worry about him so much ... But I need to stay strong and positive for you, baby.
The future is so uncertain that I can only focus on the NOW. I feel your kick, kicks getting stronger, and I hope you are putting on the OZs. I want you to be fat and happy in there. Tomorrow you will be 2 weeks older than musubi, who is so proud of you.
Dear baby
Never a dull moment with you, little one. I've been meaning to blog about our journey, but for some reason I haven't, because I haven't felt the urgency of time. Things are different now. You are teaching me to be patient, to be present in the moment, and most importantly to be hopeful about the future. A wise friend told me that children don't do what you tell them to do, but they do what they see. So I made a decision to be optimistic and to not let fear take control over my emotions. I would want you to be happy, optimistic and to not live in fear.
And when fear grips my chest, I remind myself to breathe and it comforts me that I am not alone. That we are not alone because musubi is with us too.
Monday, May 02, 2011
it's been awhile
musubi, your cherry tree has blossomed and the pretty, pink flowers have shed. it was budding right before the anniversary of your birthday and daddy took lots of pictures to share with your grandparents. it surprised me how fleeting the blooms were, but i guess i shouldn't be surprised by the brevity of life.
daddy and i took your birthday off and we took you down to our favorite place again. Uncle Zach and Sam came to carmel with us as well, and your grandparents also came down for the day. daddy played golf with sam, mommy spa-ed with uncle zach and we all took time to appreciate family and relax. there were a lot of people thinking of you that weekend. i received nice flowers from your aunties at work, and messages from other friends who said that they were thinking of us during this time. uncle juice sent a message and your cousins lit candles for you at st. paul's cathedral in NYC.
i recently looked at your pictures again, and one of my favorites is the one in which i'm holding you, marveling at your present perfection and frozen in your absence. and i try not to cry so much, sometimes not so successfully, but i try, not just for me but for your brother or sister.
