life
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Free pass
I believe I shoul have a free pass to do, say, and feel as I please during this pregnancy without any criticism or judgement. My only goal is to have a safe pregnancy and a healthy baby. If I am unappreciative or unwelcoming, then I must not have the energy to be otherwise. And that's all I have to say about that.
Last day of June
An entire month of smiley faces will be achieved today and we start again with a blank month of July. Baby is doing well and the movements are becoming less erratic and punchy, more coordinated and visually apparent on my growing, spider-veined belly. I hope baby starts gaining some significant weight soon. It was nice to have J & O stop by and J's girlfriend stopped by too, in addition to the Fong family clan. Zach baked me 3 tupperwares of chocolate cherry cookies and I also got 4 giant macaroons. Dudley cheffed up some Chinese greens and clams for us over the weekend. Baby likes clams :).
The weather has been rainy for the past few days and Lisa and I have been rendezvousing in the hall, until we got busted yesterday from the rehab head nurse for blocking the emergency exit. Fortunately the weather is nice and I think it will be a start to a warming trend. I've started reading more about newborn care and believe that I need a horticulture degree to weed through all the different parenting philosophies and all the "stuff" that you can buy. My goal of reading 50 pages a day and finishing the baby bargains book by the end week 32 is still my goal, although difficult to prioritize over Friday night lights. Lisa and I both agree that this show has saved our sanities. A few things about dillon, Texas and the show:
-no Asians in Texas
-Minka Kelley's body. How does a 31 year old successfully play a high schooler?
-I am not going to let our kids play high school football or join the cheerleading squad
- coach taylor's wife's hair always looks amazing
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Roller coaster
This morning I had a few more contractions than normal. They were small, but the frequency was freaking me out. The nurse came in at 9:40 to give me my nifidepine early. I was trying my best to keep calm. The frequency definitely decreased...there's still 6 more weeks to go.
30 weeks and 2 days
Sense of urgency
You don't really have it when you are on bed rest. There's always tomorrow to get back to people on email, to read the newspaper, to do more planning. One of the bed rest ladies wasn't going to unleash her purchasing prowess until 34 weeks, and then my 30 week milestone sounded a little premature. So I've settled for July, sometime after my 31st week has completed. I started some reading on newborn care, that's new this week and started to research what books might seem reasonable to read. I think I'll limit my reading to 5 books.
The only sense of urgency would all be related to bodily functions. I still haven't mastered the fine art of staying hydrated and not having a full bladder to reduce contractions. It really irritates me sometimes that EVERYTHING is a friggin tradeoff.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Constipated hope
Another week has gone by, with highlights and lowlights, and I suppose some neutral news. Let's start with the lowlights, since I'd rather end on a more positive note.
Lowlights:
1) major constipation on Monday. For some reason, my every other day routine was disrupted over the weekend. Even with warm prune juice on Sunday, nothing was getting out of the gate. I was stressed Monday, because I had my weigh in, cervical exam and ultrasound in the morning, and I wanted to be "normal" by then. I was particularly stressed about straining and bearing down before my ultrasound. I didn't really have a choice, as I nervously shifted on the toilet, sweating like a beast, holding onto the wall and side rail for dear life. The nurse came by to check up on me, and then notified me that the wheelchair transport was waiting for me outside my room. Who could perform under this pressure? So I gave up, anxiously went to my ultrasound, hoping that nothing was negatively impacted by my morning efforts. After my ultrasound, I resumed my position on the toilet and prayed to the digestion gods to end this misery. Suppositories or an enema were possible options, but my perseverance prevailed and I unloaded my backed up fury into the can. Exhausted and scared from that experience, I had brian/Dudley bring me some fiber one bars, raspberries and prunes. I hope the digestion gods are pleased with these offerings.
2) getting in trouble. So I met a few other girls in the antepartum wing and we were trading stories about our experiences here. So one the girls unbeknownst to me decided to narc on behalf of all of us to one of the nurses...not good. I feel badly about it, but what's done is done.
Neutral:
1) so my cervix shortened to 1.5 cm, my ffn test came back positive, and baby measured 2 lbs. 12oz. Dr. Katz says that I'm no better, but am no worse. What's difficult is that in between tests, you have hope, and you cling onto that so desperately because you want the best outcome possible. And when things are not favorable, you can't help but be disappointed. Neutral is exponentially better than the situation getting worse, so I am grateful for that. Although when dr. Katz asked me today how I felt from 0-10, 0 being neutral, I said I was 2.7. That is why I named this post "constipated hope." you know you have a build up of hope, you know you should be releasing and exuding hope every day, but sometimes it just can't be let out, for whatever reason. In theory it doesn't go away, and at times it's painful, but it's always there....
Highlights:
1) visitors. I've been lucky to have had several visitors last week. Mom was here through wed and L brought thai food that lasted for days. V,B, and C from Sephora came by Friday night and H came by earlier in the day and brought over the loveliest gardenia plant. Baby's Sephora aunties brought over beautiful pink peonies, and bag full of beauty treats from the merchants. I love boscia's bb cream. I have kept the products here because they make me happy. B and I came by sat night and brought church's chicken AND zacharay's pizza, so baby got to gorge on the best of east bay.
2) brian's bday. Brian took the day off which was so nice and everyone liked dinner at spruce, so I was happy. Brian came back a little toasty and I'm glad he had a night out. The Sephora girls greatly exceeded expectations with their coors light, specialties cookies and the bonus bottle of whiskey. He hasn't tried the Zaag case yet, but I imagine it being useful.
3) father's day. Brian got a card from musubi and baby, and I tried to draw baby's 28th week ultrasound, but it was very difficult drawing lying down in bed. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.
4) got my first 90 min massage. I will be transitioning all my massages to 90 min from here on out.
5) bed rest crew: there's a few of us who met out on the lido deck over the weekend. We now try to coordinate times to go out for our unshackled social hour. It has helped pass the time here...
Monday, June 13, 2011
Hospitalitis
That's what dr. Katz says I have. If I were to define that, I would say that it's 30% fear, 30% anxiety, 20% pregnancy brain, 10% restlessness, 5% denial, and 5% wistfulness, which hopefully adds up to 100% hope for every day that I'm still pregnant. Today I think I'm going to ask if I could be wheeled outside for some sunshine therapy, if the sun breaks through the city's June gloom. I believe some vit D may need to be absorbed in my system.
I had rather high anxiety this weekend, with increases in my contractions in both awareness, intensity (not painful, but a definite tightening), and frequency...all of which caused major anxiety for brian and me. I hear him taking loud, deep breaths, trying to calm himself down, and the intensity in his face as he looks at the jagged lines from the uterine graph is very disconcerting. I want him here, and sometimes his anxiety is contagious and not particularly reassuring. And a pediatrician came to talk with us on sunday. I definitely didn't feel better after that conversation. Nothing net new, and probably caused me more angst than anything else. But somehow we get through the day, and another smiley face is added to the calendar (when he remembers).
I'm 157.9 lbs today, so hopefully baby is putting on the OZs as I put in the LBs. Brian is very sweet, he calls the cellulite that I'm curating, my babylite. Got to love that man. I am trying to mute out the buzzing sounds from the stockings that I'm supposed to be wearing...and that's one noise I know I won't miss. It's a little bit like water torture.
Thursday, June 09, 2011
28+2 days
Inching along here, which is good. My ultrasound on Monday revealed that my cervix measured 2.3-2.4cm (up from 1.5cm) 2 weeks ago. Seems like the bed rest and meds are working. I've been contracting less since sunday, which is a relief. I was very scared on Friday because I was feeling more contractions and started questioning if I was becoming immune/resistant to the meds and would need to increase the frequency or dosage of the nefidipine. So far I'm pretty stable and holding tight until my next ultrasound in two weeks.
English
My command of the English language has been questionable, as demonstrated by 1) my inability to spell common and uncommon words in words with friends who kick my ass, and 2) the communication of my food order at CPMC hospital.
Ex. "what would you like for breakfast?
Me: oatmeal, with cranberries, raisins, small fruit plate, and lowest milk.
Them: did you sausage?
Me: no
Them: bacon?
Me: no
Than: potatoes?
Me: no, just oatmeal, with raisins and cranberries, small fruit plate, and low fat milk.
Them: did you want cottage cheese?
Me: no.
Them: ok then, you'll get your order within 45 min.
Me: ok, thanks.
What I received: oatmeal with raisins and brown sugar (no cranberries), fruit plate and NONfat milk.
Wow, my verbal and written command of the English language fail me. Maybe I should just stick to my reading comprehension skills.
Thursday, June 02, 2011
Routine
It's been over a week now that I've been at CPMC hospital. I'm grateful that I have a private room. It's a far cry from the comforts of our home, or from the fancy places I've stayed at after I converted my "young" to "Fong" status. I'll describe the accommodations in another post. It's salon day today, so I'm so looking forward to washing my hair, and having it professionally blown out by my personal stylist, my hetero husband, who is getting quite adept with a round brush. As far as routines go, I try to go bed at midnight. I like staying up until the turning point of the next day. It's somewhat reassuring that we've made it, another 24 hours, another day to celebrate this pregnancy. The nurse comes by at 2am to take my vitals and for my dose of medication. I've become a pretty light sleeper--I hear this happens with motherhood. I'm usually awake a few minutes before they come in. And then I'm up again around 5:30am, when brian breaks down the aerobed and gets ready to leave. I wait for the nurse to take my vitals and my meds at 6am, and then I go back to sleep until 8:30am. The the general sequence of events goes like this:
8:30am. I order breakfast, i get up, go pee, wash my face and put in my contacts. As I wait for breakfast, I check the daily entry for "what to expect when you're expecting" and play "words with friends who kick my ass" until breakfast comes. My morning pandora channels usually include george Winston, Jason maraz, Sara barielles and carrie underwood. We usually wait until the afternoon before we move onto neo-soul.
8:30-10:00am. Eat breakfast, which consists of low fat milk, fruit, oatmeal with cranberries and raisins, or scrambled eggs with wheat toast. I also order a yogurt for a snack later on in the day. I'm clearly becoming a creature of habit. Again, baby needs to put on the OZs. I pee again and brush my teeth before the nurse comes at 10am.
10:00am. The nurse comes, checks my vitals, my temp, lungs, blood pressure, sometimes my pee, etc. She gives me my meds and then puts on the Doppler to listen to baby's heartbeat for an hour. She also straps my legs back into the Velcro shackles around my calves which they recommend I always wear, to help with circulation and to prevent blood clots. I can take them off by myself, but I can't put them on without assistance, so I need to be very strategic with my potty breaks.
10:00-noon. I pass this time checking email, reading the paper, futzing with the iPad. During this time, the doctors make their rounds. I find all the other docs to be of little added value, but I usually spend some time with dr. Katz discussing my treatment, future expectations, etc.
Noon-7pm. This is the longest stretch of time that is the most free form. The only structured aspect is that I order lunch, and that the nurse comes in at 2pm and at 6, with strategic potty breaks beforehand so they can help put the shackles on my legs when they come by. I've been fortunate to have had visitors every day. Belin has come by twice this week, brian's parents have come by every day, juice and leslie have come by, and so have Zach and sam, always with food/flowers/gifts. V, T&N have also come by as well. I have been sparingly letting close friends know about my situation. It gives me something to do each day. The last thing I do before 7pm is order dinner.
7:00pm-10:00pm. Brian is usually here by then, the highlight of my day. He helps me with dinner and we catch up on the day. If the giant's game is on, then it's a given that we watch the game. I haven't been watching tv during the day, but it's mostly on at night. I'm so glad he is able to get the hotspot 4G access to work, so that he can be somewhat productive when he's here. It goes without saying that he's a good man. He puts the wax paper down on the toilet, sets me up with a wad of toilet paper and unshackles me when I have to use the loo.
10:00-midnight. After my vitals are checked and I get my meds, I take a quick shower as the nurse changes the sheets on my bed. I wash my face, apply my face cream and brush my hair. I get a mini massage from brian, as he puts lotion on my arms and legs, and then he starts getting ready for bed, by busting out the aerobed and putting on the sheets he recently got at bed, bath and beyond. I then read the daily entry from a different baby book which details out tidbits on what's happening to my body, and what's happening with baby. Around 11pm, baby gets a snack, usually milk and some sort of dessert/yogurt, and then I brush my teeth, and take my contacts out. There's usually a final round of words with friends who kick my ass before I settle down for bed. At night, I count down from 100 to try and relax, and so far I've been able to fall asleep before I hit 0.
And then in the morning, brian gets to mark a smiley face on the calendar that another pregnancy day has passed.
